Text: Jello Biafra. Prairie Home Invasion [Performed with Mojo Nixon]. Mascot Mania.

When I was young
Saw football games
At the great big stadium
Could tell the fans
From out of town
By the clown suits they had on

20,000 red cowboy hats
Means cornhuskers to you
Mickey Mouse beans
With tiger ears
Shows you cheer ol' Mizzou
Let's not forget the Razorbacks
From the U. of Arkansas
With plastic pig snouts
On their heads
Soooooeeeeeeing, "How 'bout them Hawgs?"

That's mascot mania

I work all week
At a job I hate
Where everything goes wrong
Weekends what I live for
To your church I belong

I cross the street in San Francisco
When a chump comes out of a bar
Yelling "Forty-fuckin-Niners, man"
With his gold and red jacket on

In Cleveland, throwing dog biscuits
Shows how much you love them Browns
While Bronco fans just hang their heads
When the Superbowl comes around

Raider jacket dollars
Got the White Sox wearin Black
Statues of Joe Paterno
Sold in gift shops at Penn State

That's mascot mania

Don't make fun of religious rituals
In any place
Lord help you if you laugh
While they do this with a straight face

Outside of the United States
It gets even more bizarre
In Tokyo they got a baseball team
They call the Carp

The Salmonbellies are the pride
Of New Westminster B.C.
C'mon Greg Werkman, what's a Hoosier?
And why do they throw chairs?

When Sudbury Ontario's
Hockey team scores a goal
They drag a stuffed wolf
Across the ice
A fan shot at it once, ya know

That's mascot mania

Blue Streak
Horned Frogs
Long Horns
Trojans

Someone better tell Tipper Gore
About the names of these here teams

Tar Heals
Gamecocks
Blue Devils
Crimson Tide

Real Indians
Sick of Redskins
And Tomahawk chops

It seems to me
That to stay mean
These names should change with time

The New York Muggers
Detroit Murders
And Chicago Mob

Boston Bigots
Texas Swindlers
And the L.A. Cops

Miami Drugs
New Jersey Dumps
Take on the Denver Smog

Seattle Fads
New Orleans Hoods
Milwaukee Cannibals

San Diego Jarheads
And the Arizona Drought

That's mascot mania

Go, Carp, go!
Salmonbellies rule!
Hit 'em harder Cops!
But, a hockey team called The Mighty Ducks?

Head explode when Dallas Oswalds
Meet Washington Bribes
Home team band plays Cop Killer
When L.A. comes to town

Pittsburgh Polluters
Houston Drive-Bys
Don't stir near the fear

When the Florida Abortion Bombers
Meet the San Francisco Queers

That's mascot mania

Anywhere you go
The games the same old thing
Bet your money on the Bribes
They always win