Text: Soundtrack Artists. There! Right There!.

Elle:
There! Right There!
Look at that tan, that tinted skin.
Look at the killer shape he's in.
Look at that slightly stubly chin.
Oh Please he's gay, totally gay.

Calahan:
I'm not about to celebrate.
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expotriate.
This guy's not gay, i say not gay.

All:
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to assume
that a man who wears perfume
is automatically matically fay?

Emmett:
But look at his quoft and crispy locks.

Elle:
Look at his silk translucent socks.

Calahan:
There's the eternal paradox.
Look what we're seeing.

Elle:
What are we seeing?

Calahan:
Is he gay?

Elle:
Of course he's gay.

Calahan:
Or European?

All:
ohhhhhh.
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or european?

Warner:
Well, hey don't look at me.

Vivian:
You see they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports.
They play peculiar sports.

All:
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts.
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks.
They will say things like "ciao bella"
while they kiss you on both cheeks.

Elle:
Oh please.

All:
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.

Warner:
Depending on the time of day, the French go either way.

All:
Is he gay or European?
or

Eden:
There! Right There!
Look at that condescending smirk.
Seen it on every guy at work.
That is a metro-hetro jerk.
That guy's not gay, i say no way.

All:
That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to presume
that a hottie in that costume

Elle:
Is automatically-radically

Calahan:
ironically-cronically

Vivian:
scurtinly-curtainly

Warner:
genetically-netically

All:
GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY GAY GAY GAY
DAMMIT

Gay or European?

Calahan:
So stylish and relaxed.

All:
Is he gay or European?


Calahan:
I think his chest is waxed.

Vivian:
But they bring their boys up different there.
It's culturally diverse.
It's not a fashion curse.

All:
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse.
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code.

Brooke:
Yet his accent is hypnotic
but his shoes are pointy toed.

All:
Huh.
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.

Judge:
But if he turns out straight I'm free at 8 on saturday.

All:
Is he gay or European?
gay or european?
Gay or Euro-

Emmett:
Wait a minute!
Give me a chance to crack this guy.
I have an idea I'd like to try.

Calahan:
The floor is yours.

Emmett:
So Mr. Argitacos...
This alleged affair with Ms. Windam has been going on for...?

Ricos:
2 years.

Emmett:
And your first name again is...?

Nicos:
Nicos.

Emmett:
And your boyfriend's name is...?

Nicos:
Carlos.
I'm sorry! I misunderstand. You say boyfriend.
I thought you say best friend. Carlos is my best friend.

Carlos:
You bastard!
You lying bastard!
That's it.
I no cover for you, no more!
Peoples.
I have a big announcement.
This man is Gay and European!
you've got to stop your being
a completely closet case.
No matter what he say.
I sware he never ever ever swing the other way.
You are so gay.
You big parfait!
You flaming boy in cabaret.

Nicos:
I'm straight!

Carlos:
You were not yesterday.
So if I may, I'm proud to say,
He's gay!

All:
And European!

Carlos:
He's gay!

All:
And European!

Carlos:
He's gay!

All:
And European and Gay!

Nicos:
Fine okay I'm gay!

All:
Hooray!

Nicos and Carlos:
Fine. Okay. We're gay!